foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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