the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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