we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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