put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
