well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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