i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
