Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
