I hate your face
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
