dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
