you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize