Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i would punch a child for taco bell
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
