Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
