I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
