woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
