Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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