I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
