dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
