Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He called his prostate his "boner button".
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
