True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
My ass is underappreciated
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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