well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
