guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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