I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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