We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
