i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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