I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
