I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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