The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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