Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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