I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
