They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
