Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize