i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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