Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
These tits shall not be calmed
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
