I need help removing her.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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