After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
