how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Randomize
