I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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