The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
