I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
