Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I won't apologize to a one balled man
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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