True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
