if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
