Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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