How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
