remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
