I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize