ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
