I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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