You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
