I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
