I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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