we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
