theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Is it because I queefed?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
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