Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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