dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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