theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
