I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Randomize
