I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
