Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
