i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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