i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize