mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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