My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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