i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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