literally had 100 drinks last night.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
just tell him i said nine months
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
