I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Is it because I queefed?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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