i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
