if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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