got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Randomize