John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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